Friday, November 23, 2018

The Corpses of Children are not Peaceful

The Corpses of Children are not Peaceful

The corpses of children are not peaceful.
The ones who die of trauma before their time show it
--of illness show it
I avert my eyes but remember anyway
Precious young lives lost--
I can't say this anywhere so I'll say it here in a public privacy of strangers
The corpses of children are not peaceful.
Cancer at 8
Murder at 9
Murder at 2
Refusing insulin at 14
Horrible car accident at 17
The corpses of children are not peaceful.
I avert my eyes but cannot forget
The anger, the pain the battering
On their sweet innocence
The corpses of children are not peaceful.











after several years I decided to publish this poem. 




Friday, October 26, 2018

Goodbye

I'll be saying goodbye to my sister in law of nearly 50 years. She has spent the last decade moving from great disability to complete helplessness from a severe stroke followed by many other health events. A 50 year relationship has ups and downs but at the end, its the good things that stand out. I was happy for her to be free of her broken body, but also am surprisingly sad at her loss. I hope I can say a few words, but not sure I can. We'll see. Larry has lost the last member of his family of birth and it's a very hard thing. I know my own mom was devastated when her last brother died.  I know how odd it felt to me to lose every family member from the previous generation as they took all the answers to ordinary lives with them. Her spirit will be missed even though it seemed so trapped for so long.

I reflect on my very imperfect self at this time as well. She leaves her daughter the last member of her own birth family, our dear niece, Elizabeth whom we have loved forever.

addition. Trudi's visitation and funeral were tremendously healing. Rebecca Z is a fantastic reverend and 6 family members spoke including me. Trudi had a spotify playlist of 53 songs! her final send off was a New Orleans second line, Just a Closer Walk with Thee-- surprising, loud and moving. Members of every kind of family and friends were there-- exes of exes, friends from second grande. family from far and wide. All my children in one place at one time.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

A Post for Rick

Ry  and Bob  (Larry's cousin) are all over the DNA  available now. They have done both commercial products. Larry and I only did 23 and Me under duress from Bob. Someone popped up in the DNA matches closer to both Ry and Bob than any other matches. After some memory mining and questioning, it turned out Larry had a thing with a married neighborhood woman who had children. She had another child and she turned out to be Larry's now 53 year old daughter. She lives in the state of Washington and contact was made. She met Ry. We ALL communicated over the winter by phone and face-time and she came to Indiana to visit her family and meet her biological father whom she happily calls Dad.

She's a wonderful woman and has met everyone and met with Ry several times and is definitely taking a big sister role in his life! In the best way. Her name is Mandy  and she grew up i until her senior year then they moved to Texas. She always felt she did not fit in her family. Turns out she had good reason to feel that way and now we have a new treasure in the family.

She and her husband work six months of the year on Antarctica and enjoy the rest of their time in mountain and lakes of the great northwest. She's creative and, except for being very very petite, the family resemblance to all the girls meaning Leah, Rayne, Elizabeth, and Arden, is remarkable. Thats enough for now. Suffice it today she named me her bonus mom and I love it. .

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Sometimes FB Doesn't Cover It

Until yesterday, on this earth, I had a cousin I'd only seen a handful of times in my life. She was glamorous to me, beautiful like a movie star. When she and her family returned from Japan I thought she and her little sis were exotic world travelers. The last time I saw her was 40 years ago when my girls were infants. Through the magic of Facebookwe found each other on Facebook and reconnected. Both of us nearing the ends of our careers, mine as a teacher, hers as an animal rescuer who was at every fire, flood, hurricane in these United States. In our time online her husband, Larry died of heart disease, she retired from her work, I retired from mine. She and her sister found and made a home together in northern California to set out on a fun golden time. Just less than a year ago Charlie (Charlisse) was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer I think while she was hospitalized for a kidney stone and a UTI. It was so advanced she chose palliative care only. She was surrounded by so many friends and such a close knit  family all this time and true to her nature, she and Joni went on a trip all over fulfilling a bucket list. Last week there was a photo, very very thin, she continued to post her love and spirit. Two days ago a message from Joni, her little sister and her caretaker, said she had taken over the messages and Charlie was in her last days. Less than 24 hours later to the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a wonderful World she left. Her beloveds are bereft and joyful at the same time.

I had picked up the phone a couple of weeks ago but I already knew she was napping a lot in the afternoon and wasn't able to communicate in the afternoons so I never made that call. I'd wanted to hear her voice one last time. I didn't do it. That I regret. Her choice was brave and she took that choice like the champ at life she was. Farewell to a beautiful lady.

We had laughed because we had aged into our grandmothers face! Quite a surprise!  Both of us Dessies. KBoth of us surprised.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

It's been a Year...and another year.

It has been a year since I last posted. social media sucks my brain. This administration has made me sick. Right now we are holed up in the cold, ham and beans on the stove, clothes flipping around in the dryer. I go five days a week to the aquatic center to volunteer with the teaching of every kindergartner in my county to swim. At this point I have crocheted nearly 70 hats, losing count, for those undergoing chemotherapy and 22 preemie hats to help keep me from focusing on the insanity from the top office in the land, once maybe the top office in the world, but we are quickly shrinking and the UN has discovered the third world that exists in these united states. It has been a hell of a first year of retirement and I do not feel safe. I thought I collected enough of a nest egg to "make it to the end" we'll see.
  I must have written this about a year ago, add 25 pounds of fear to my weight, that's where we are now.


There is a blessing in 2018. Mandy.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Heartfelt

It used to be the sound of a pop top on a can, now it is the opening and shutting of the kitchen door, the opening and shutting of the kitchen door, the opening and shutting of the kitchen door. I can't speak my anger and fear, so I'll write it. Seven years ago on an extremely cold MLK Jr. weekend, Larry was sent home with orders to not empty his truck and to stay inside while we wait 4 long horrible days until open heart surgery. I stood in the room while the docs looked at the immense blockages and could not understand why there was no pain--their mouths agape at the arteries dysfunction. Quintuple bypass.

The sounds I mentioned are the sounds to me of impending death. Maybe I'll leave it there.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Where Can I Write This?

I sat with Larry's aunt and cousin while she received the truth about pancreatic cancer. My mom's last diagnosis was pancreatic cancer after 30 years of many other illnesses. Uncle Jimmy is in the hospital with his own life threatening bout of pneumonia, and abscess in his lung and many other illnesses. This couple was only apart for about a week one time for their great nieces wedding in all their years together. Jimmy is devastated at Barb's illness. Tracy is an only child and all this falls on her shoulders as she supports her own little family.

I want to say the doctor was the kindest, gentlest, honest and careful presenter of the situation I could ever imagine or want. He was direct but kind. Barb has a lot to think about how she wants her last few months to be. But I'm sitting there knowing mom was given a few months and lived a week. Barb and Jim are so connected I don't even think they can live without each other. Tracy is also in charge of her 100 year old grandmother and lost her home and almost her child in a horrific fire a year ago.

I cannot even recall how my mom was told of her diagnosis-- was I even there? I picked her up and took her home. She told me this was it, she was too tired to go on. and she was. Mom and I had this little "game" after a serious bout of anything, is this it, mom? No, this isn't it. and she would snap back to her perky feisty self, she was given two or three months, she went home to hospice, I went home, my brother and sister were there, there was plenty of time, She died before the hospice nurse arrived. I was there for the flushing of the brand new pain meds down the toilet and into the water system so they could not be misused or stolen. She had just looked around at all her pictures everywhere around her, closed her eyes and left us. So quick I missed it.

Since I wrote this, Aunt Barbara has chosen to go with pain medication only. It does not change the outcome of one of the most vicious cancers we experience.