Difficult but It's Time

After much thinking, wrestling, waffling back and forth I finally made the decision to retire. It helps that my building has turned into a turn-over building, which for decades it was not. Teachers came, loved it and stayed. After having one administrator who seemed to have the assignment of getting rid of teachers with experience and fond memories of the deep deep family bonds in our school, not just among colleagues, but teachers and students, and that first massive turnover that was not from natural death or retirement-- my school became a school that loses half its staff in a year. It appears that it will happen again. Many of our new people are permanent subs making little and I expect that will get worse before it gets better. People who chose to leave were called dead wood by someone I respected so much, only to be snapped up faster than they could anticipate by other schools in our same corporation. It appears that, even though our discipline has improved so much that students and teachers feel safe again, we are still going to lose big chunks of entire teams. This is the cost of being at the bottom of the barrel in scores in Indiana. Our DOE rep loves us and says we are years ahead of other F and D school in the state--but the pressure brought to bear on the core teachers is too much. I am not a core teacher and have not been for at least a dozen years. I am so happy in my art room, but unhappiness leaks over on to me. I was a late comer to teaching and just hoped I could meet the rule of 85, I am 3 years past that and will almost make it to my goal of teaching until I am 70! Teaching has been a calling for me and my heart has been broken so many times as I watch this calling/career path be destroyed by politics and turned into a job that a family will never be able to climb a ladder to success in. I have young teacher friends who have not had a raise since they began 7 or 8 years ago and, with the steps gone, the union gutted, may be better off moving on to Walmart-- or the corner quick mart. All this makes me finally able to commit to the end of my career in public education. I think I still have time and health to explore my own art, be a wonderful grandmother, take classe, teach a class or 2--  I entered teaching at a time when a person could live nicely and educate their children. That may be gone. Please come back.

I do meet young people, though not many, who want to be teachers, and I don't discourage them. I am convinced that big guv will see the error of their ways and teaching will be both a calling and a way for a family to live, a career path commensurate with the education teachers have once again. The million dollar committees called to figure out why we are losing teachers (any teacher can answer this at no cost) may bring back some of what is missing from the path I chose. Of course, I also clung to tech stocks, I really didn't believe they could fail!  The pendulum must swing, right?

When I signed the paper, I sobbed--24 hours later I was fine (I think).

I have made my decision

June 31 is my last contracted day of my 23 year career-- I have moved past tears, I hope, and on to looking towards a future filled with forms of art and grand boys' activities. I have started making small efforts at purging in my house. I have been getting rid of unnecessary clothes, I just have too many, books, I have too many, and kitchen items, I have too many. I have loved my teaching career and have not wanted to end it. I started late so it is much shorter than the careers of other boomers. I may have been able to save and secure a safe retirement for myself and my husband, I am proud of that.

I had a visit last week from one of my first art students who is now finishing her MFA and teaching university classes. Her art is wild and free! love it and found it so moving and so validating.

I hope a very good person much better than myself will take my place. After 2 years in the horrible discipline of a previous principal, our school is climbing back to safety for students
AND teachers. That makes it easier to leave.

Time Goes By, the Knees Heal

It's been ages since I posted. My newest knee is coming along very well after its hematoma(giant blood filled bruise) --a second surgery to clean that up and to get an errant vein to stop dripping-- It set my physical therapy WAY back and I ran out of physical therapy for the year. There has been zero response to my letter asking for a dozen more sessions. I got to 120* though and at school I catch myself just zooming around, I can go up and down the stairs with NO HANDS!! not fast but I can do it thoughtfully! I can walk an exercise mile easily, but I have not yet done 2 miles. Stiffness comes with weather changes. I forgot, there was a third surgery to manipulate the knee out of its scar tissue and to remove the deeply caught stitches from the hematoma repair. Yeah, since October of last year I had 6 general anesthetics! It's a wonder I have any brain cells left. During my recovery I was able to see the entire run of Judging Amy, the show holds up.

  I do find myself thinking more and more of retirement, but not because my body is failing, more because the pressure on teachers is becoming so great that I am starting to feel it deeply back in the art's hallway where we are the third world country of education. We have a great new principal, but the dealings with the state for our grants and low grade are all-encompassing. I have seen excellent, solid, creative, experienced teachers in tears. I have seen first and second years high tail it out of education for the horrible treatment and low pay for life they now suffer from. 2 anti-public ed govs in a row and really, three presidents of both parties-- the career has become menial and the abuse unbelievable. I am sure education will rise again and teaching will return to a career path, hope there are people left with the desire when we get through this period.

This was supposed to be about my knees. oops.

8 Weeks into Second Knee Replacement

The right knee has been tougher to deal with. I had a hematoma on top of the knee and at about 3 or 4 weeks out, I had to have a second surgery to clean that out and find the cause. I had a large vein in an unusual spot that was seeping. I ruined my surgeons perfect record of 19 years! It was a stubborn vein and took several cauterizings and he stitched it 4 times to make sure it held., then he stitched the incision he had to make in my original incision. That turned out to be a grueling painful stitch removal. ouch. ouch. ouch. I am back to full strength physical therapy (PT) and back to progressing with the bend and stretch. I have taken more pain meds with this knee than the first one, The knee swelling up full of blood is rather uncomfortable. School starts in less than 2 weeks and I needed this whole time to recover. I haven't been sitting at the computer long enough to write about this second experience. I have been moodier, lonelier and crankier this time! I have also had lots of good times with friends. It has been an emotional roller coaster of a summer.

This has been a heck of a medical year, early fall I had my cataracts removed, one eye at a time, then the week before Thanksgiving I had the first knee replacement, June 11, I had the second knee replacement. everything is good and I expect a healthy year ahead! I wanted all this done before retirement and it is done.I am pretty bionic right now, in my purse I have a separate ID card for each eye and one for the left knee. The right knee ID card should come soon. looking forward to that.

It Has Been Seven Months

I am prepping for my second knee replacement which will take place next Wednesday. I am excited rather than apprehensive-- already planning my recovery and I know what to expect. A nurse I call "mine" is going to be on duty and I already told the rehab professionals I had last time I want them again so I am ready to rock the newest knee. It has been amazing how much better I have felt with only one bad knee I can walk fast, stand a lot longer and just so many good things that sneak up on me and I think wow! that's new. Occasionally I would catch myself walking at the speed I needed for my old knee, it is a habit of years, then I would speed up.

This last week of packing up my classroom and getting it ready for what might possibly be my last year of teaching did let me know that I really do need this surgery. It was a rough year with a style of discipline in our building that does not work for our students, we are getting another new principal that I know and respect and love as a parent of 3 of my former students. I hear she is tough, but I do my job and if you do  your job--why worry. I know it will be tough to overcome the laxity of the past two years but I also know she can do it.  She took an alternative school into hand an turned it around. She'll do the same for us. We have had three principal changes in 4 years and churning of teachers in one of the most stable schools in the city. We are churning again this year, though some have thought about staying to give our next principal a chance.

I had become almost positive I mean 100% positive that this would be my last year in my career, it had become so miserable in some ways, now, I don't know, I could be revitalized mentally as well as physically. Onward and upward, If I retire I can go to ISU for $5 a class.. I could go to the grand kids any time of the week or year... there's that.

The New Knee: again

I had my second to last physical therapy today, I met all the goals except for the 120 degrees. I have made it to 117 degrees several times. The knee feels mostly normal at work and I can walk pretty fast. The other knee is the one that hurts so I am ready to schedule it for June. I will discuss that tomorrow at my orthopedic follow up. I am ready to exercise and get going and ready for more traumatic surgery and recovery. I barely think about it at work, though at night I am tired and want to elevate it and rest it. The swelling is tremendously lessened over the past few weeks, and sometimes the scar looks pretty good. I know someday it will be a thin white line, right now I don't want to "wear it out in public". My posture is so much better since I am in less pain. I can walk up and downstairs and it feels completely normal. This post is mostly for my brother Rick. OH, and funny thing, I dreamed last week that I ran, naturally and comfortably. I will not be running, but I did enjoy it in my dream!

New Knee

I have had my left knee replaced, during the school year. I have avoided missing school and doing this for years, but, as they say, you will know when you can't take it any more. I have left my classroom in the hands of a newly licensed art teacher and I am trying to be confident in her decisions while I am gone. I would like to say, this is no walk in the park, I understand the rewards will be tremendous later and I will forget the difficulty of this part. PT is a force and one must be willing to put out that effort. I am so glad I am getting professional PT three times a week. Yesterday wa my first day out in public. I had my husband take me out to breakfast. otherwise, the web and PT are my world. And thank goodness for little screens, smart phones and such so I can keep a lifeline going with my friends.
  I am reporting ad nauseum on almost every little detail of my recovery on Facebook. leaving off the joys of pooping and pain meds and improvements in that department, but I'll tell you, I think I have made it! I am ot released to walk with a cane, but a cane is so much better in the house. Yesterday I took my outing with the cane,m so much easier to accommodate me and a cane!

I am constantly searching for the perfect position to rest the knee. found it for 2 or 3 hours last night while I napped. It's elusive.

Another challenge I face is trying to get enough protein to support my nearly 6 yr old weight loss surgery. Eating does not feel like a priority right now. I keep overestimating what I can handle. I wouldn't be surprised if I haven't lost 4 or 5 pounds. that's OK. I wanted to. I don't want to lose more than 10. Can't believe that after 30 years of a combination of obesity and morbid obesity, I am at such a good place that I would only "like" to lose 10.

I am also diffusing some lovely essential oils around me, helping me relax, breathe, heal and rest.I can't sit here long so this is it for now. Another one of my rambling connections with... who knows.

Pain with this is minimal, soreness is maximal, always trying to get those muscles right over the knee working again, working together.

 December 20, off the cane and today my stride is lengthening and the knee feels more like my own all of a sudden, instead of a clunk limb stuck in the middle of my leg. Major improvement overnight, so I thought I'd add it in to this post. I am down to 2 physical therapy appointments a week for the next 2 weeks and then it is back to the classroom. IF I feel really good about this, I will schedule knee number 2 for June. A summer of recovery, but I can do it. Then I may possibly be heading in to my last year of teaching. 2 years short of my goal.